The sisterhood

As I pull up on my bike to drop my daughter at school, a group of mums are discussing their various holidays to Europe. We live in an affluent area and the conversations about holidays, pools, renovations and cars are endless. I always find these conversations difficult, because I find it all pretty superficial and meaningless. Since I left my corporate job, I find these conversations doubly difficult, because I don't have any money to spend, and it reminds me what I walked away from, a bit like rubbing salt into the wound.

I become aware of the single mother who battles to keep on top of the bills each week, she's just in earshot of all this. What's this like for her, I wonder. I stop feeling sorry for myself.

I get home from the school drop off, my neighbour comes over, she has some sad news, we talk it over with a cup of tea and I make some soup and send it over in the afternoon. Such a different conversation to the one at school. One full of love, sorrow and real human connection. An easy choice if I had to pick.

The conversations at school are not intended to be exclusive, but inevitably they are. They indicate status, and they exclude the status-less; the disabled woman who can't travel, the single mother on a base wage, the woman with sad news. How do we be sisters to one another when we're always comparing and competing?

Since I cut down my work commitments, I have less money and more time, and more of these meaningful, spontaneous conversations take place. They are hugely enriching. I can't help wondering why this is happening. Is it just that I'm more available? Or is it because now I too am status-less? Does that make me more accessible? Is this why Jesus instructed us to turn away from pursuing wealth?

Suddenly the verse "blessed are the poor in spirit" starts to make a lot more sense.

How do I hear God's voice?

So we set out to trust our lives to God 7 months ago. I feel like an addict withdrawing from the needle. I can't believe how central money and security have been. I keep trying to get another fix. As I withdraw, there is a struggle, a battleground. I remember a line that God is "the still, small voice." The word that leaps out is "still". Hmm I need some of that!

The most still place I can imagine is the beach, so I take my daughter and we go to a nearby cove for a swim. When we get there, I stand in the water, looking at the exquisite colorful seagrass just under the water. I notice something sparkling like a diamond. Thinking it must be a lost piece of jewellery, I grasp for it, but as I plunge my hand into the water it disappears. Confused, I look again, there it is! I go again, gone! What's happening? Then I look around and notice several similar shiny things. One is closer to the surface, on closer examination I see that it is .... a tiny fish scale glimmering in the sunlight, something I would describe as "worthless".

I put such a high value on a diamond and a low value on sparkly fish scales that light up and draw attention to the seagrass. I am struck by my own propensity to devalue things of beauty because they are of no monetary value.

The still small voice says as clear as day, "when you try to grab glittery things they disappear just when you think you have them in your grasp".

In my opinion no person can definitively say "God told me..."
I do claim that this is an experience of hearing God, and this is why;

The first clue is that the voice is still and small, yet clear and resonating.
The second clue is it brings both truth and freedom - it is confronting and liberating, brutally honest and hopeful, tough to hear and comforting.
The third clue is that it is wise beyond my capacity.
The final clue is that when I share it with someone, it takes their breath away; it brings love and a blessing to me and to the person I share it with.

God is not to be proven, tested or theorised - these are all things you do to something that's dead. God is to be heard, seen, experienced, listened to, spoken of, loved.

How do we love God? Perhaps in part by hearing the still, small voice and acknowleding that it exists.

Bowing down to what?

Yesterday I ran a workshop for a senior Leadership team. In the morning, before I left, I had been feeling stressed about doing a good job and getting more work, because after yesterday I had no more confirmed work.

So, I physically bowed down and said "God, I surrender, I need work, I give this day and this workshop and my life to you".

It went really well, it was constructive and productive, the participants raved about it as the best day's work they'd ever done together. They we're very complimentary towards me. And then guess what happened. They asked me back to run another day next week. Another day of confirmed work. An answer to prayer?

Don't get me wrong, I get how bizarre it sounds to bow down and surrender. In fact even though I just wrote it, when I read it, it sounds at best submissive and at worst abusive. Yet I cannot deny there is something about surrendering my own will to something greater that is unbelievably freeing and liberating and, well how do I describe it, "aligned". After doing this I am now free to be the real me, not the competing, insecure, self absorbed me. And when one person is truly free from competing and one upmanship, it frees everyone around them. The benefits rolled on. The people around me in the workshop were alive, animated and excited. I had an amazing time with my kids last night. So much human connection.

So have I participated in an extreme bizarre antiquated form of ritual submission, or could it be that this act just makes me aware of what I'm worshipping? Could it be that we are always bowing down and submitting to something, it's just that most of the time we aren't even aware of what it is? Some things, when surrendered to, definately would be abusive.

This weekend I'm going to listen for what am I really worshipping, what do I really bow down to, is it security, control, power, wealth, popularity, privilege? Or is it love, which is God? And then I'm going to watch the impact on others of what I give myself to. Maybe you can join me on this quest.

Dark and light

I have not written for a while. I found that each time I wrote my blog, something got me down or got in my way. A fear, an anxiety, a worry. Is this coincidence? Is there something working against me openly talking about God? When I see the trainloads of awesome spiritual people I know who are so burnt by church that they can't even hear the word without exploding or retreating, I can't help but wonder, is there a force that works against God? If you have the luxury of black and white faith of course you believe in evil. It's a concept I have wanted to ignore.

But on the journey I am now on, I am growing stronger in my own willingness to trust that when I say "God, I surrender", something magic happens and it changes me and my relationships. Yet I would be a liar if I didn't acknowledge that at the same time, I have never experienced more trials, disappointments, upsets and attacks on my core beliefs. For example, I have always had a deep sense of God. The first time that has been seriously missing has been at times in the last few months, since I have taken the step of faith to live life with less man made security.

Liberals like me have long wanted to hang on to the good bits of spirtuality whilst burying our heads in the sand about the dark side. We have ostracized anyone who talks of evil. Maybe that's why it is so powerfully at work in our society every day. And with so many good people becoming spiritually disabled, who will speak up against it? I am reluctantly coming to believe that there is a war between good and evil, dark and light, and one of the ways the dark succeeds is to deny its own existence. Any wonder anyone who speaks up is such a threat.

The bible says, the dark can never conquer the light. But it never says the darkness will just disappear.

Ask and you shall receive

So does God really provide for us or do we provide for ourselves? Providing for yourself is something we take very seriously in western culture.

I have been waking up during the night, unable to get back to sleep. It's unusual for me. I was reminded of Jacob who wrestled with God all night. Is this God waking me up to pray, I wonder? I decide to test that theory. I get up and ask God - what's next, where will the money come from, what's going on with the food business, will John get work? I feel like Jacob wrestling all night. Have I made God up? Is this my imagination?

The next morning an important food business contact had sent me an email, after weeks of no contact. She wants to do breakfast tomorrow. Then 10 days of consulting work were given to me - without my seeking it. Immediate Income. I also had a job interview for a part time role and I'm being immediately progressed to round two.

I don't like living from one day to the next, I like a bit more of a buffer. Yet a buffer can also prevent me from asking for what I need and from seeing how I am connected to everything. Its any wonder that when so much value is placed on self reliance, God is a foreigner.

Pain and Birth

Christmas celebrates a birth. Birth is the time of greatest pain and greatest joy. Is there anything really good that comes without pain? I'm not so sure. They seem to be interwoven.

I know a lot of people in pain this Christmas. I'm in a bit of pain myself. I don't know where I'm going and I feel a bit lost without having clear direction. I am seeing others in pain and it hurts. So now i choose - do I numb the pain or allow it to change me? That means feeling it first.

This Christmas prayer is for everyone in pain this Christmas.

You have searched me and you know me. You are in my pain, you know what it is to be wounded. Please transform my wounds into healing love. May our pain birth your love this Christmas. Give me the strength courage patience and energy to live this prayer.

Merry Christmas.

Actions and words

Two things happened this week that kind of nail it for me in terms of my own Christianity. The first one is Penny Wong had a baby with her wife. Not only is she a gay mother, she is a practicing Christian. Many christians exploded into the media condemning the idea that a gay woman could be married, have a child or be a practicing christian.

And then out of the most unexpected quarters, a blog by Andrew Bolt gently praises the amazing, quiet, under the radar work by an army of Christian volunteers, the Red Frogs. The Red Frogs turn up to the most frequented schoolies locations every year, at their own expense, and pick up drunk kids, give them water, listen to their stories of regret and get them home safely. and give them red frogs (yes the jelly lollies - buy a pack for your next hang over). They do it in response to God's call to love one another. I know one of the red frogs, and he personifies love, gentleness, fun, compassion and servant leadership.

My own experience is that in the presence of unconditional love, the question of right and wrong becomes a secondary consideration. The more I listen to and respond to God's call, increasingly my response to the question "Who's right" is "Who cares?". I don't know whether the fundamentalist christians are right, but what I do know is in the experience of giving and receiving unconditional love, many things that once seemed foreign are no longer a threat. We all need unconditional love, Penny Wong, the drunk teenager, the fundamentalist. In this we are one.

For me, the impact of the Red Frogs is evidence of God. Love like that does not come out of a well planned thought. It comes out of the deepest creative stirring of the heart, and the outcome of acting on it is that humans connect, experience love and are inspired to share the story. Look not only to the impact on the teenagers they work with. The lives and actions of the Red Frogs have even moved a cynic to express his deepest gentle heart.