A morning meditation

I am practicing replacing bad habits with good habits. Instead of waking up worrying about whether I'll get everything done, now I wake up and say this.  It's working...

Today I have been given the precious gift of this day
I can use this day ... or lose it
I can count the moments... or make the moments count
For today is like a soon to be born baby,
A precious gift, a surprise, waiting to be given the chance to breathe
How can I make the most of this precious gift of today

I give thanks
For the sun rose today
I woke up this morning and took a breath
I have a body that is alive

I give thanks
For the ways I will be nourished and fed today
For the unknown, unseen events that are to come today
For the lessons that I will learn and teach

I give thanks
That I may serve and be served today
That I may lead and be led today
That I am blessed and may bless today

I give thanks
That I am forgiven and I can forgive
That today matters to my creator
and I can make today matter too

I give thanks
For I am alive today

I worship Gods ... Beauty ... Wonder ... Creation ...Awe ... Mystery... Love ... Life

What is stopping me from walking in God's love this morning?

I let go of the things that stop me
I give them to God
I ask God to take them
I ask for Gods help to let go

Who will I serve today?
How will I respond to the unknown, new day?
What will my contribution be?

I give my day to God
I ask that I may see God in every moment
I give thanks that I am part of this creation
For this precious gift is about to unfold
And I ask that I am ready to open and unfold with it

Gods Provision

God will provide, ask and you shall receive. Or so we are told. Is this true? I feel like I could do with a hand with the providing some times, so I'm up for the challenge, I'll call it the "Does God provide" challenge.

I am building a business and the opportunity comes up to go to a conference. I can't afford it and it feels selfish to spend so much on my development. Yet I have this longing, this sense of invitation, this sense of opportunity, this sense of "I will provide". I need to find $8000. I do something I have never done in my life. I put it on credit card. I keep building my business, but I can't see where that money will come from in the time frame. I try to trust and not worry. I'm not very good at it though.

Time is ticking, two weeks to go, money's not here, yet I know several times we have got down to the wire on money and it has always turned up the next day. It is part of my reprogramming,and I am grateful for it, but it's new and uncomfortable. This is bigger than my previous challenges, and it's optional, and I put us here, what on earth was I thinking.

I am with a client and I get a text from home. "Guess what, just got paid family tax (a tax benefit we never been eligible for before).

Guess how much?

Yep. $8000.

Coincidence?

Maybe if this was the first time it happened, but there have been so many like this I can't even remember them all. One week we are down to the wire, we are invited to a friends birthday dinner, we agree to go even though we don't have the money but we love our friend, someone unexpectedly pays for us. One time we were nearly out of money, a big consulting job fell in my lap out of the blue, started immediately, paid fast. One week we are down to our last few dollars, a new client signs on and pays immediately.

What do I take out of this? I am enough. Not me, the great I AM. My sense is God is neither a tight arse nor obsessed with making us billionaires. God is abundance, abundant beauty, love, time, friendship, generosity...and yes, money... if only we will ask and then be willing to receive. A different mindset to the one I have lived in for much of my life.

Does God provide? Yep God passed the challenge, I think I still have a way to go.

The Well

I went to the well
To draw water
I really needed a drink
I looked forward to satiating my thirst
But again it was dry
Dry dry dry
There was nothing
Just a drop or two
I used to be satisfied
With that little
Or so I told myself
I thought that was all I was worth
All I could reasonably ask for
All I could hope for
I'm not satisfied any more
It's too small
Too limited
Because I know
The well has an abundance
It is deep and rich and plentiful
Its just not forthcoming or generous
It has tonnes of water
But it only relinquishes a drop
Or two
Or none
For the energy I invest
To bring the bucket up into the light
I shed more drops of sweat
Than the well gives me
I am sick, tired, empty
For two drops of water
The well is being stingy
Perhaps it's time to try a different well

Gratitude

This week I was challenged about gratitude. A woman from my church was very sick. Within hours of getting out of hospital, she sent me a beautiful email, praising God for her treatment and the beautiful sunshine. I felt challenged by this. Here is a woman in poor health and pain, singing Gods praises. How easily I fall into the trap of moaning and groaning, worrying about problems and forgetting to give thanks. This woman had every right to express worry, but she made a different choice, and her action left me feeling inspired and challenged to express gratitude.

So I decided to follow her lead, and I took several opportunities to voice my gratitude. As I did this, something happened. I realized that I couldn't express gratitude and worry at the same time. The two are mutually exclusive.

And then it occurred to me - why should God give me what I'm asking for if I can't even say thanks for what I've already been given? At those times when I don't think I've got anything to be grateful for, am I being realistic, am I looking hard enough?

Gratitude comes from God, from a spirit of abundance, from love. Love is costly, it is self sacrificing. It takes courageous, selfless love to give thanks like this woman did, to see beauty in the midst of her own pain and suffering. She then took action, she expressed her joy to another person, and we were both blessed by the experience. I have learnt from this the importance of voicing gratitude, or we run the risk of feeding our fears. Christians are instructed to BE grateful and not to BE worried. These are states of mind. In other words, we have a choice in how we respond to the challenges life presents us, as was so beautifully demonstrated to me by a very gracious woman.

The sisterhood

As I pull up on my bike to drop my daughter at school, a group of mums are discussing their various holidays to Europe. We live in an affluent area and the conversations about holidays, pools, renovations and cars are endless. I always find these conversations difficult, because I find it all pretty superficial and meaningless. Since I left my corporate job, I find these conversations doubly difficult, because I don't have any money to spend, and it reminds me what I walked away from, a bit like rubbing salt into the wound.

I become aware of the single mother who battles to keep on top of the bills each week, she's just in earshot of all this. What's this like for her, I wonder. I stop feeling sorry for myself.

I get home from the school drop off, my neighbour comes over, she has some sad news, we talk it over with a cup of tea and I make some soup and send it over in the afternoon. Such a different conversation to the one at school. One full of love, sorrow and real human connection. An easy choice if I had to pick.

The conversations at school are not intended to be exclusive, but inevitably they are. They indicate status, and they exclude the status-less; the disabled woman who can't travel, the single mother on a base wage, the woman with sad news. How do we be sisters to one another when we're always comparing and competing?

Since I cut down my work commitments, I have less money and more time, and more of these meaningful, spontaneous conversations take place. They are hugely enriching. I can't help wondering why this is happening. Is it just that I'm more available? Or is it because now I too am status-less? Does that make me more accessible? Is this why Jesus instructed us to turn away from pursuing wealth?

Suddenly the verse "blessed are the poor in spirit" starts to make a lot more sense.

How do I hear God's voice?

So we set out to trust our lives to God 7 months ago. I feel like an addict withdrawing from the needle. I can't believe how central money and security have been. I keep trying to get another fix. As I withdraw, there is a struggle, a battleground. I remember a line that God is "the still, small voice." The word that leaps out is "still". Hmm I need some of that!

The most still place I can imagine is the beach, so I take my daughter and we go to a nearby cove for a swim. When we get there, I stand in the water, looking at the exquisite colorful seagrass just under the water. I notice something sparkling like a diamond. Thinking it must be a lost piece of jewellery, I grasp for it, but as I plunge my hand into the water it disappears. Confused, I look again, there it is! I go again, gone! What's happening? Then I look around and notice several similar shiny things. One is closer to the surface, on closer examination I see that it is .... a tiny fish scale glimmering in the sunlight, something I would describe as "worthless".

I put such a high value on a diamond and a low value on sparkly fish scales that light up and draw attention to the seagrass. I am struck by my own propensity to devalue things of beauty because they are of no monetary value.

The still small voice says as clear as day, "when you try to grab glittery things they disappear just when you think you have them in your grasp".

In my opinion no person can definitively say "God told me..."
I do claim that this is an experience of hearing God, and this is why;

The first clue is that the voice is still and small, yet clear and resonating.
The second clue is it brings both truth and freedom - it is confronting and liberating, brutally honest and hopeful, tough to hear and comforting.
The third clue is that it is wise beyond my capacity.
The final clue is that when I share it with someone, it takes their breath away; it brings love and a blessing to me and to the person I share it with.

God is not to be proven, tested or theorised - these are all things you do to something that's dead. God is to be heard, seen, experienced, listened to, spoken of, loved.

How do we love God? Perhaps in part by hearing the still, small voice and acknowleding that it exists.

Bowing down to what?

Yesterday I ran a workshop for a senior Leadership team. In the morning, before I left, I had been feeling stressed about doing a good job and getting more work, because after yesterday I had no more confirmed work.

So, I physically bowed down and said "God, I surrender, I need work, I give this day and this workshop and my life to you".

It went really well, it was constructive and productive, the participants raved about it as the best day's work they'd ever done together. They we're very complimentary towards me. And then guess what happened. They asked me back to run another day next week. Another day of confirmed work. An answer to prayer?

Don't get me wrong, I get how bizarre it sounds to bow down and surrender. In fact even though I just wrote it, when I read it, it sounds at best submissive and at worst abusive. Yet I cannot deny there is something about surrendering my own will to something greater that is unbelievably freeing and liberating and, well how do I describe it, "aligned". After doing this I am now free to be the real me, not the competing, insecure, self absorbed me. And when one person is truly free from competing and one upmanship, it frees everyone around them. The benefits rolled on. The people around me in the workshop were alive, animated and excited. I had an amazing time with my kids last night. So much human connection.

So have I participated in an extreme bizarre antiquated form of ritual submission, or could it be that this act just makes me aware of what I'm worshipping? Could it be that we are always bowing down and submitting to something, it's just that most of the time we aren't even aware of what it is? Some things, when surrendered to, definately would be abusive.

This weekend I'm going to listen for what am I really worshipping, what do I really bow down to, is it security, control, power, wealth, popularity, privilege? Or is it love, which is God? And then I'm going to watch the impact on others of what I give myself to. Maybe you can join me on this quest.

Dark and light

I have not written for a while. I found that each time I wrote my blog, something got me down or got in my way. A fear, an anxiety, a worry. Is this coincidence? Is there something working against me openly talking about God? When I see the trainloads of awesome spiritual people I know who are so burnt by church that they can't even hear the word without exploding or retreating, I can't help but wonder, is there a force that works against God? If you have the luxury of black and white faith of course you believe in evil. It's a concept I have wanted to ignore.

But on the journey I am now on, I am growing stronger in my own willingness to trust that when I say "God, I surrender", something magic happens and it changes me and my relationships. Yet I would be a liar if I didn't acknowledge that at the same time, I have never experienced more trials, disappointments, upsets and attacks on my core beliefs. For example, I have always had a deep sense of God. The first time that has been seriously missing has been at times in the last few months, since I have taken the step of faith to live life with less man made security.

Liberals like me have long wanted to hang on to the good bits of spirtuality whilst burying our heads in the sand about the dark side. We have ostracized anyone who talks of evil. Maybe that's why it is so powerfully at work in our society every day. And with so many good people becoming spiritually disabled, who will speak up against it? I am reluctantly coming to believe that there is a war between good and evil, dark and light, and one of the ways the dark succeeds is to deny its own existence. Any wonder anyone who speaks up is such a threat.

The bible says, the dark can never conquer the light. But it never says the darkness will just disappear.

Ask and you shall receive

So does God really provide for us or do we provide for ourselves? Providing for yourself is something we take very seriously in western culture.

I have been waking up during the night, unable to get back to sleep. It's unusual for me. I was reminded of Jacob who wrestled with God all night. Is this God waking me up to pray, I wonder? I decide to test that theory. I get up and ask God - what's next, where will the money come from, what's going on with the food business, will John get work? I feel like Jacob wrestling all night. Have I made God up? Is this my imagination?

The next morning an important food business contact had sent me an email, after weeks of no contact. She wants to do breakfast tomorrow. Then 10 days of consulting work were given to me - without my seeking it. Immediate Income. I also had a job interview for a part time role and I'm being immediately progressed to round two.

I don't like living from one day to the next, I like a bit more of a buffer. Yet a buffer can also prevent me from asking for what I need and from seeing how I am connected to everything. Its any wonder that when so much value is placed on self reliance, God is a foreigner.

Pain and Birth

Christmas celebrates a birth. Birth is the time of greatest pain and greatest joy. Is there anything really good that comes without pain? I'm not so sure. They seem to be interwoven.

I know a lot of people in pain this Christmas. I'm in a bit of pain myself. I don't know where I'm going and I feel a bit lost without having clear direction. I am seeing others in pain and it hurts. So now i choose - do I numb the pain or allow it to change me? That means feeling it first.

This Christmas prayer is for everyone in pain this Christmas.

You have searched me and you know me. You are in my pain, you know what it is to be wounded. Please transform my wounds into healing love. May our pain birth your love this Christmas. Give me the strength courage patience and energy to live this prayer.

Merry Christmas.

Actions and words

Two things happened this week that kind of nail it for me in terms of my own Christianity. The first one is Penny Wong had a baby with her wife. Not only is she a gay mother, she is a practicing Christian. Many christians exploded into the media condemning the idea that a gay woman could be married, have a child or be a practicing christian.

And then out of the most unexpected quarters, a blog by Andrew Bolt gently praises the amazing, quiet, under the radar work by an army of Christian volunteers, the Red Frogs. The Red Frogs turn up to the most frequented schoolies locations every year, at their own expense, and pick up drunk kids, give them water, listen to their stories of regret and get them home safely. and give them red frogs (yes the jelly lollies - buy a pack for your next hang over). They do it in response to God's call to love one another. I know one of the red frogs, and he personifies love, gentleness, fun, compassion and servant leadership.

My own experience is that in the presence of unconditional love, the question of right and wrong becomes a secondary consideration. The more I listen to and respond to God's call, increasingly my response to the question "Who's right" is "Who cares?". I don't know whether the fundamentalist christians are right, but what I do know is in the experience of giving and receiving unconditional love, many things that once seemed foreign are no longer a threat. We all need unconditional love, Penny Wong, the drunk teenager, the fundamentalist. In this we are one.

For me, the impact of the Red Frogs is evidence of God. Love like that does not come out of a well planned thought. It comes out of the deepest creative stirring of the heart, and the outcome of acting on it is that humans connect, experience love and are inspired to share the story. Look not only to the impact on the teenagers they work with. The lives and actions of the Red Frogs have even moved a cynic to express his deepest gentle heart.

It's mine

I grew up in a musical family and I love singing. I can sing, but recently I decided I am probably getting a bit past it. My voice sounds raspy to me.

On Sunday I was at singing practice before church with two other singers. I listened to us practicing together and realized we were sounding good together. I also realized we would be inaudible in the midst of a congregation. I had a deep sense that we should be heard, because that would lead and lift the congregation. I also wanted to say, "dont be audible, be humble, be quiet". My ego is masterful at disguising itself as humility.

The very gracious music leader accepted my suggestion that the three of us use microphones so we were audible. The singing that day went off! It was amazing and it lifted the roof.

A woman came up to me at the end and said, "You have a beautiful voice." I felt my heart stir. I remembered that I was about to write my voice off, I had given it a performance rating and it wasn't up to scratch. But that is not why I was given a voice. Not to be measured, assessed, compared or rated. That's my ego on overdrive. I realised it was not about me, my voice could be used to bring life into the lives of others.

My voice? No, it's not really mine after all.

Advent

Normally when my ten year old daughter comes in to my room first thing in the morning she is full of beans. She wakes up happy, bright and full of anticipation. But yesterday she came in worried. "I have to write and illustrate my story by tomorrow. I forgot about it. There's too much to do. I can't do it!"

I know how she feels. We are right in the middle of Christmas preparations. In the religious calendar, this is Advent, a time of anticipating and preparing for the arrival of Christ's birth. But the way I do Christmas would be better described as Event - one every day in December! Dont get me wrong, I love Christmas, both the religious and secular festivities. The carols, the advent readings, the presents, the warm weather, the end of year breaks ups. Yet like my daughter the enjoyment and meaning can be swept away as I think "There's too much to do, I can't do it!"

So in my meditation and quietness, I listened. Here's what I heard the other voice say.

Here are 5 ways to avoid stress this advent, so you can experience Christmas fully instead of counting the days until it is over.
1. Ask for help. It's a time to experience community.
2. Don't try to impress anyone. Not with gifts, with activity or with cleverness.
3. Give generously. Time and money.
4. Take it one day at a time, each day is a gift, not a task.
5. Don't worry about forgetting things. You won't forget anything important.

Just hearing these has lifted a burden off my shoulders and already I am experiencing the day more fully.

Trust

This week the walls came crashing down. Setting up the food business from home seems impossible with council regs, and leasing a premises too expensive and risky without testing the business model. I became overwhelmed and panicked. I said "It's not going to work" and decided I needed a plan B. Being Organised and self sufficient, I'm good at inventing plan Bs.

This morning I went for my bike ride with my neighbour. When I got back, my husband had been praying. He relayed to me that he had sensed God saying that I had stopped listening, that I had reached the limits of my trust, and I had stopped putting my trust in God. It was true. Yet hearing it did not leave me feeling condemned, it was freeing. I felt loved, encouraged and strengthened to try again. It connected us again. We both heard a creative new option, which I will now explore.

If this is all in my own head, how come it connects me so deeply to love and to another human being?

Rain

I have a business concept that I am researching, in between doing some freelance consulting work. Like all new business ideas, some people are very enthusiastic and others probably think I've lost my marbles. Many small businesses fail, and the risks are high. An added dimension is that I have a deep sense of God calling me in to this, but then I wonder if I'm making it up as I go along. I wonder if I can do it, I look at all the gaps in my abilities, and I question if God, that other voice in my head, is really just me after all. This morning I went for my early morning bike ride with my neighbour. it was freezing and windy. A little way into the ride, a big drop of water landed right in the middle of my nose. I wondered what it could be, it was very large and there was only one. I thought - could this be rain? It seemed too random! There there was a second one. This one fell in my ear. Again I asked myself - could this be rain? It seemed more like a bird dropping than a rain dropping! And then that "other" voice in my head said; "When will you believe that it is going to rain? Only when it is raining? Is there no sign that you will believe?" And I said; "Yes I'm afraid so, I only believe it will rain when it is raining. Please forgive me." And then it rained. Heavily. Okay, I get it.

Is God real?

Recently I left my big corporate job because I had a deep sense that I needed to change the way I was living. I yearned to work in my community, spend time with my family and had a small business idea that I wanted to pursue. The problem is I am the sole bread winner and was on a 6 figure salary. I am regularly being approached about similar roles. I have a deep sense that God is real and is calling me into something different- and an equal number of doubts! Follow me as I wrestle with the dilemma - is God real?